The one with an annual female friend

Since valentine's day is around the corner, it reminded me that it is time for me to contact all my eligible male friends. In the sense, they are just my friends but seem to be very popular among ladies. To clear my point, they are not playboys, they just happen to have done engineering in Thailand where only one-third of the population are boys. Now, what I mean by contacting is, if they were to receive dark chocolates on the occasion, they are mine by the treaty of brotherhood.

While I have always felt like DUFF of the group, one thing that almost always happened each passing year of engineering was a new female friend right around the corner of valentine's day. From taking a peak interest in me, my research and eventually my friends. The moment I told them that my guy friend was in a relationship they quit being friends with me. 

So, this is a three part story, the first is a long lost friend who contacted me though social media and inquired whereabouts about a dear guy friend. While they did end up being friends, the word, "I like you" by her was enough for my friend to be enraged and eventual deactivation of social media. Well needless to say she unfriended me.

The second, we shall call it the one where I could not see it. In a gathering full of girls, when I invited my guy friends, all my female friends were doting on these men. When the party was over, I walked with one of them, stopped him in the middle of the road, checked him out because we had been friends for five years and I still could not see what was so enchanting about him. I do adore him from the bottom of my heart, but I do fail to see the charm.

The third was with the invitation for group dinner, from just acknowledging my presence for 3 months, the things changed within a weekend when a dear female friend of mine had lunch with this particular guy friend. And it ended with regards and almost hugs, which I am not used to.

While there may have been a perception that I may put out a good word, I cannot. I have no power over my dear guy friends. So this is a commemoration letter to all the possible friendship I lost because I had likable guy friends but I still happen to be waiting for all the dark chocolates. 

Reflection

Through the eyes of my father,
I am nothing but a reflection.
I take your name, fit in your shoes,
run in it to find myself.

To the chalk marks on the board, the lines that defined me,
you taught me the right, the wrong and the patience.
Wise your words, the chalk on my hand,
I sketch the future.

Identifying the women in me, I see what you feel, what you fear.
I agree, I disagree, I have an understanding of myself.
I need no liberation, no empowerment,
here, I may loose anything but my pride.

To the choices I make, to the people I forgive,
to the places I go and the places I walk away from,
shifting are my perceptions, but not of myself.
Firm yet delicate, frivolous yet sensible, moments of happiness
slack-line it has been, the existence.

To every path I may take, some sharp turns they may be,
the lines I may cross, the lines I may draw,
the love I may get and the ones I may loose,
nothing but the consequences shall remain,
the reflections of me, a tomb stone in the end.

House

We built a house together to live in,
foundation till the bright red chimney.
Every brick we lay were from our love,
the paint to resemble the color of trust.

A study for you, a library for me,
a fireplace where we met to talk about stars.
Two strings played in the back,
while I curled to the warmth,
we were happy as we could be.

Then came the lies and secrets,
we walked through it,
if we have trust we have everything, we said.
To walk one day and find the disrespect,
I walked out from the house to find me.

But lost are me in those rooms that do not see light,
I come back every once in a while to collect me from it.
But to see that you are gone, not any of your stuffs there
makes me question if it ever was something we built together.

So I wonder and think if the house is worth saving,
may be its time to abandon it,
although each brick we lay brings memories,
am I to steal these brick to build a house of my own,
or to leave it there where it lies, as if it has no value.

The new place is empty, stone walls at bay
No fire place because it burns my soul
A room with a window to glace the hopes of rising sun.
At the horizon, I see the unacknowledged house I once called home.

In pursuit of happiness

Was it the first chicken curry
or the bite and an eventual dig into rasbari
my first moments of happiness, were these treats
to eyes, mouth and heart

The sound of rain, the eventual dancing drain
Kishor Kumar in radio, hot tea the duo
the aroma it brought to the air, the sound the smell
to ear, nose, skin and soul, were my growing up happy moments

The first hike, the first flight,
the wind in the air, invisible wings, the sudden lift,
the passion and love for travel and independence
happy moments were those of discovery of self

An education, internship, working with machines,
a consistence, hunger for knowledge,
coffee in the side table, a sigh of relief
creating models, creating happiness I was in nutshells

the first holding of hands, the whistling of the winds
the strums of guitars, sundress in the park
smiling shy because I felt beautiful
apparently I gave my happiness to somebody else

Now that I have me, my loneliness and my pursuit of happiness
to say I can't go on without you is a lie, not at all in my shyness
I go back to the chicken curry, the songs, the downpour,
the yellow sundress, the passion of work and to childhood

Never did i realize before that little thing were the ones that brought me happiness
The smile of the loved one, an experiment in the kitchen
hot chocolate in cold day, the smell of festival
the blossoming of new friendship and the euphoria of old ones
grateful for the universe I have, forever and beyond

Significance

As I pass from one breath to another
I wonder what the future holds
In these brief moment its me and my thoughts

Cessation is all I need,
To cease to think, to cease to breathe for once
To feel alive, to be with me

Disagreement, conflict and anger
It seeps in me, torn between head and heart
In past, present and future

Like the reflection in the still water,
I am nothing but shadow of my becoming
As I disturb the surface of it, I wonder if I can scramble my thoughts

Agitated, rippled, drowned, held by the breath
I wonder if I can ever flow to, to my destiny, the sea of knowledge
To be deadened to the howling of the wind and the cold

Underneath I stay, to relinquish my wanderlust
Although there is all that, I am fine though
I just happen to have been lost in me

Lost in my inhibition, lost are those feelings that I hid somewhere
nowhere to be found, numb although I am, I am fine though.
For conflict is also a step to discovery

I lay there and say,
if you want to build confidence, start winning
if you want to build character, start loosing

I think I am prepared to loose and learn
to step out of the re-inventive womb of comfort
to be significant, chasing to find who I am