Tuesday, October 18, 2022

Anymore

I have visited these memories of ours, time and again.

Each time, I rationalized and retold this story

to me, to others, and to an absent you.

And with retelling, you have morphed into a one-dimensional shadow,

a shell of a person and me a lost dimension, a monotone.


I am blue, it has swallowed the spectrum of everything I was.

I was red, beautiful, and naive.

Affections turned to despair, like wilting red roses, all blue.

But, I have stayed away from the crimson for too long.

It took me years to see, the one truly lost, 

the one truly absent was me.


The one I missed was the marooned me,

If I see that shell of me, I would look into her eyes and say,

today I have decided to let go of the hurt you caused me.

I will not long for you furthermore.

I have seen shades of green, yellow, and lilac, 

so I do not wish to be either red or blue anymore.

Saturday, July 2, 2022

Cruel

There I stood, blinded by your words.
All I saw was you, my roads lost.
Hoodwinked, cajoled, lied to, abandoned,
you are cruel.

I have lost you, me, my sense of reality,
judgment, and self-reflection.
All I could do was curse fate,
you are cruel.

In truth, I try to move away, I sever my ties.
Your constant presence, your compassion, 
your many witnesses, and even my better judgment
tell me, "you are cruel"

After all these years, at the cross-road of destiny,
I have been asked to revisit the memory,
I look the way I treated my doe-eyed self,
I speak to myself, you are cruel

In my newfound clarity,
if I am to recommend you,
when I speak my truth, it will echo
YOU ARE CRUEL



Thursday, June 30, 2022

White Ceiling

 Every time I wake up, the first thing that I see is my white ceiling. When I have seen vivid dreams, where I am either happy or sad, in an adventure, call back to reality is when I open my eyes to see my ceiling. When I was young, we shifted our house to the city. I had lived in an open space since infancy, moving to the city was tough and I hated every morning when I open my eyes and saw the house with charcoal black wooden ceiling painted with white Chun (limestone.) It made me realize for the first time what feeling stuck was like. Over the years, my mother worked on our house to make it more amicable. She put white covers on the ceiling to protect the dust from falling. I had made it a norm to see those white cloth every morning and it was a new day. It was my home.

When I shifted to boarding school, I used to sleep in the lower bunk of the bunk bed. I was homesick and dreamed of my family and home. So, every morning, when I saw those four metal rods and wooden plank, the accelerated realization made me morose hence I stopped sleeping on my back.


Over the years, I have moved every other year to a new place, new city, or new country but almost all of the houses have a white ceiling that takes some days to get used to. I had a dream this morning, it was a nightmare, I had to force myself to wake up, and when I did, I saw the white ceiling from my childhood, the limestone painted charcoal burnt wooden ceiling, the feeling of being stuck. I turned to my side because even in the dream, I did not face the truth of being stuck.


Monday, May 23, 2022

From Glasgow to Manchester

 “We have arrived at the Glasgow station. The time is 7:15 pm. Please do not forget to take your luggage. Have a safe journey. Thank you for choosing our services”. I had been waiting for the train to arrive for more than half an hour. The train had been delayed due to a heavy storm a day prior. There was a family before me, who sprinted out of the train as soon as the doors opened.  As I carried my luggage and walked on the platform, I realized it was cold. I wrapped my knit scarf tighter.  I should have counted myself lucky since there was no rain. 20 meters from where the train stopped and there he was. He waved his hand and his first words to me were, “This freezing cold, let’s get you someplace more welcoming.”. We walked about the main road, he checked his phone and said, “Your place is about half a km from here, we can walk there if you want.” I nodded. It has rained a couple of hours ago, and the sidewalk was still damp. With the map in hand, I lead the way to the female hostel. Along the way we chatted a bit, the questions were limited to the whereabouts of the travel, the flight, the transit, and the train. After which he asked, “So how goes studies?”. I replied, “It’s going as well as expected. The offer seemed great back then when they talked about all the opportunities associated with research and traveling. Now it just seems like a hassle.”

“I bet the whole Covid thing did not help either.”

“Oh well, there is nothing we could do about it. Thanks again for seeing me,” I said to change the topic.

“Come on. Would not miss it. Plus, I have been cramped up in a room for far too long. What better reason to take a break from the monotony than to see an old friend?”

An old friend- I guess we have known each other since adulthood. I remember the first time we met in high school. He was my senior; sharp in wits, dully dressed. Our parents were acquaintances. Because of the socio-cultural similarity of our families, the problems were also similar. For some reason, I could just be myself, express my frustrations, teenage angst, and sadness, and he would just understand where I was coming from. It did not take long for him to be my confidante. We also happen to enjoy each other’s company. And there was something about his eyes. It had a tint of green with brown. It has taken me two years to notice it. It was exactly two years, 18 days, and a semester abroad for  me to realize that “timing was a bitch”

And here we were, 10 years into knowing each other, in a different country, on a different continent, and for the first time, it was just us, no common friends, no high school reunions,  in an unknown place. Perhaps it was nostalgia speaking. I could somehow turn into my 16-year-old self, wide-eyed, optimistic almost delinquent and I would be okay be he would say, “It's okay, we are young. We will figure it out.”

We reached outside my housing residence. I went to the reception and the lady was there, it was most unusual to see someone in the reception at the hour after living in France. I had to ask someone else to pick keys for me when I first arrived there. I was directed inside an office where she made me sign a document for the key pickup. I had been in correspondence with the lady via email and had signed the lease online. She said, “You can come tomorrow and fill in the other forms related to bank account and insurance.” He waited outside while I carried my luggage for three flights and opened my room. It was a small room, with a cupboard, a personal drawer, and a small bed. I dashed towards the shared bathroom after placing my luggage inside the cupboard. This was home for the next couple of days-1 month or 6 months depending on if I found university housing. I processed to go downstairs to the exit when I notices that I had two keys in the holder, one was used to open the room door. I assumed that the next one was for the personal cupboard.

We started walking towards the nearest supermarket. He said, “You may have a tiny kitchen in there. But the food is good here. We picked up a tub of mac and cheese and water.” I kept in mind the closing tie of the store. There was a food vendor outside, he bought fish and chips. As we sat in the tiny chairs of the establishment sharing the serving, I asked, “So how have you been? Is the school going well?” He replied, “Living is expensive, but I could not stay with my parents anymore.” And for a moment, I got transported back 10 years when I had confided in him about my struggles with living with my parents after boarding school. I replied, “Well, we are finally adulting.”

He replies, “You have been adulting for a while. I have just started taking more responsibility.” I added, “Anyway how is everything here?” He replied, “Well living with a girlfriend has been interesting. I feel like we have come to support each other here.”

And there she was, an amazing, friendly person based on our limited interactions, who made my friend happy. I said, “you guys are lucky to have found each other.” I remembered in one of my earlier visits back home when I had returned from a year in France, she had gifted me a hand-knit scarf. The scarf that I was wearing now. She was sweet, she had realized in some way that I was important to him, so she was kind to me. My only regret is now knowing how important she was to him. I told him, “well give her my regard, and here are some galletas for you guys.” There were two boxes for each of them. He showed his gratitude, opened one, ate it, and said, “Bad decision, there is no way she is getting any of it”, laughed and finished his cookie. This phone rang again, he canceled it, checked at that time, and said, “I have to head out soon.” I should take the train in the next half an hour or so. It has already been 9:00 pm and it has held like all we did was walk a mile with each other.

He asked me if I had plans to visit home. I nodded. His phone rang again, this time he picked it up and said, “We just finished dinner. I will ping you once I get on the train.” After which he packed his bag and said, “Let’s get you back.”. I asked him more about his excursion to old castles, work trip, weather, phone plan, and student discount. We reached my homestay and the doors were closed. He asked, “do you have the key for the door?” I had two keys and one of them was for the private drawer. The sign on the door said, “7:00 - 21:00”. “What does this mean? Do you need to call the reception?”. Before the panic hit me, the door opened. One of the occupants left the building on her bicycle, behind her we could see that the lady was in the reception. I jarred the door with my feet. He said, “does it mean you have to be back by 8:30? How did she manage to take the bicycle out of this place?”

“Maybe the key to the room doubles for entry?”

 “they will probably provide you the key once you finish your insurance documents. “

He held the door and said, “Go ahead inside then.” I took the doorknob from him to go inside and said, “Thanks for coming all the way to see me again.”

 “Of course, would not miss it.”

He darted his eyes towards the direction of the train station, checked his watch, and said, “I should have enough time to reach the train station. Here”, inside the bag was a breakfast sandwich and water bottle. “Just in case you are too tired tomorrow morning.” It was time. His words were, “I am glad I got to see you after a long time. Not that we are in the same country, don’t be a stranger anymore.”

I replied, “You know me best, it’s hard to be a stranger.” He laughed it off. We hugged for a moment and bid farewell. As he walked away, I thought, “This was our friendship. We almost resumed where we left off. No questions asked, just acceptance”. And as he left, I realized he was my friend, confidante, maybe my first love, probably if my predicament remains similar, someone who is a constant in my life. In these brief moments of confluence, our friendship had grown, and to see him go, I realized that we would meet again. He would be different, but I would still recognize him, and he would me.  

Tuesday, February 22, 2022

Forget me knots

My thoughts are in knots,

I can't seem to place them.

My train of thoughts seem 

To miss me in all stations.


A vessel with thoughts,

vile and otherwise filled to the rim,

I cannot place the new, the old, and the significant.

A concoction of parallel lives and thoughts strangely intersecting.


An unwinding in space and time,

I seem to forget the origin of these thoughts.

An endless stream of threads, crowded with knots, they bar me, tighter and tighter, with no room to breathe.

Must loosen without being lost, must not forget me knots.