Fine Lines

A walk on the snowy trail

we wanted the embrace of heat,
but the heart-warming smiles
were what that kept us going.

We had fine lines, hence to go or not to go

To think we held on to accidental touch,
To want to say "don't go", but we left
To the storm that life threw at us

Stormy noise, I could not hear myself

I calmed myself in your voice

no words, no touch, the energy I felt

calm I was, yet my heartbeat increased

True emotions, becoming of me

nakedness it was, your eyes on my soul.
A unison, beyond the holding of hands.
Ethereal, a new adventure.

I could feel the mountain, the river, 

the smell of the nature. 

Naturally I felt closer to you

I felt home, a piece of heaven 

Unkindness, thank you for showing kindness,
didn't remember when I got that attention
But guilty I am, sorry for breaking your heart.
Something borrowed were those beautiful moments

Hope we meet in a place, where we have no religion,

no reservation, no land and sea to separate us.
Only a bliss of the fleeing moment, I will see you there.

To remember that for a brief moment, our hearts did beat together.

I am not sorry that we missed it,
I am just glad it happened.
Although it happened too late,
finite times and fine lines it was where we walked.

The sea is alone

The wind can only brush it,
no fragrance it does carry
the sea is always alone

Hustles and bustles
sand and pebbles
No one does really answer
the sea is always alone

Engulfs the proud sun
reflects the wide sky
Widens the passing night light
but the sea is always alone

So much it says with its
wild wild wave
Once in the sea, there is nothing but void
only deafening emptiness

Like seeping the sorrow, the river of tears
all runs towards it, even snow, an essence of it
may dream to run, run away but will return home to the sea
and yet the sea is always alone

No fire can touch, no air can carry it all
With so much to offer
longing and belonging to all
yet I don't know why the sea is always alone

Breathless

Gazing lost in the city, I see you across the crowd

You, your signature leather jacket, tilted smile and crossed hands

It had been a while since I had seen you,

I wait to see if it is you, if I daydreamed

As soon as I know it is you, I run, run away

To my bubble, the home, to the place no one can hurt me

But my walls are far away, I run, I turn and there you are

closer and closer, I feel my heart beating, you made me feel

The loss of proximity, your perseverance

"I shall never let go", those voices resonate 

"I know,

 never will I find someone like you"

And there you were inch to inch,

trying to hold hands, I retaliate, 

"I shall hurt you", I said

"What hurts more is not be able to call you mine"

I turn to run, and as I do

I turn to see emptiness, 

Empty sheets and cold heart.

A dream it was.

Seems like I held on to nothing but thin air

You were the air, your words weightless

You hit me like a whirlwind, a hurricane,

and now I am out of breath

The one with Pandit Jasraj

After a heaping dose of anti-histamine, waking up late was natural. The unnatural thing was to wake up to 7 missed calls from my father. And this has almost never happened before. But I think I get this habit from him, the perseverance of calling people on the loop. Anyways, back to today, I was petrified if something had happened. After the first call, switching the video call on, all I saw was my father's fabulous ear because the sound quality was bad.
When I asked him if everything was alright, he replied saying that I called you to ask about a said guy who was a senior to you in previous university and a possible groom for a dear friend's daughter. That was unexpected but the day carried on well.

Fast-forward to this evening where my supervisor was listening to classical music midst modern coding. For music can be a drug and coding an addiction in itself. With the flow of ragas on the air, the creative does take a spiral. A jolt of my memory was visited at that point. All I remembered was an ustad singing to profound sitar music from back in the days. Unable to recall the song at that time, I walked back home to discover the song, it was the one associated to my father.

My father, he was the only man in my life during those days, when I was 16. And like any devoted daughter it was my mission to make my father happy. The thing that made my father happy was Pandit Jasraj. Having attended his live performance during his college days in India, my father had his hands on a limited edition of high quality Pandit Jasraj CD. My father almost lives like Shiva besides wearing striped animal pants, in a nutshell he is a minimalist. Never have I seen my father have a sense of entitlement towards earthly things. With the exception of this CD. Hence when CD players became outdated and he wanted to listen to the music, I had copied this encrypted CD to his pendrive. This was the time, windows media player's special edition allowed files saved in other formats to be converted to mp3 forms and using internet was still not an easy option.

Thus the nightmare began, every car ride with father was magnum opus of Pandit Jasraj. Unlike my current self, I was not a fan of his music. If I were a fan of his music at 16, I would probably have entirely missed my childhood. And there we were suffering, we being, me, my siblings and even my mother. After a femme protest on stopping the music, my father made a dialogue, "Don't I own this car, don't I drive you guys around? Can't  I have my liberties? If you guys dislike the music, I suggest you travel though public vehicle." Now you see, I am pretty sure a lot of fathers say that, but he is not anyone's father. Never has my father ever said that to us. Since he has always been a friend, we have treated him as equal, in terms of respect as well as criticism. And there was our father, just once ever in his life pushing his wishes on us. And so we suffered, for the love of our dearest man.

And to his surprise the music vanished from his car a couple of days after the incident. The CD was never found again. I am not sure who among the elder women in my family did it but I am sure my mother was a willing participant in this event. For it was my mother who had saved the CD all these years because it was one of the few things loved by the man she loved.

Thank you for giving me the wings

Thank you for giving me the wings

The weights on the shoulders walking day in and out,

can't seem to shake it off, seems like I am going to drown.

I have been walking day and night and day again

been through scorching sun and perpetual rain.

A ray of light, bright but enough to burn,

you show me way, yet I am scared, I run.

For you are my light, and you are my weakness,

a pain in heart and the answer to my sickness

I will drown with the heaviness, I cave

I have nothing to loose but me, why am I to save?

Yet you come, to the abyss and set me free,

free from my demons, you are the root to my tree

A lot is unsaid between us, banal conversation of things.

Answering the unasked questions, you give me the wings.

For I no longer cage my heart or be be part of herd,
thank you for setting me free as a bird